I often write and speak about how your relationship needs daily commitment and work, to maintain it in a healthy state and enable it to thrive, just like you would a beautiful garden.
You might read or listen to my content and wholeheartedly agree with me.
It might make total LOGICAL sense to you.
You can understand that paying attention to your partner as you go along and nipping any potential issues in the bud is much easier than waiting until you have reached a crisis point, where you feel like you have a mountain to climb instead just to see things clearly.
You know that making the effort with your partner, paying attention to them, and really listening to what they have to say, has significant and positive benefits to your relationship.
And it makes sense to you that you would need to make time for each other to prioritise this, so that you can both enjoy the relationship.
But you probably don’t always do it.
Sometimes you just don’t feel like it.
Whether it’s listening to your partner, making the effort, paying attention to them, making time. With everything competing for your time and attention these days, sometimes you feel like you don’t have enough energy to even focus on yourself, let alone anyone else!
You tell yourself that it’s easier NOT to, and you make a whole list of excuses to justify that feeling, such as:-
- If it’s not broken why fix it?
- We’re both just too tired/exhausted.
- There aren’t enough hours in the day.
- My partner won’t listen/understand/want to.
- There’s nothing to talk about.
And all of these excuses might actually be valid reasons. But they don’t change the fact that if you don’t regularly make time for your relationship, you stop having a relationship. It’s that simple. You have a housemate.
In Nature, if something stops, it becomes dormant, stagnant, or dies.
Is that what you really want?
For every reason that you could give me for not making time for your relationship, I can offer it back to you as a reflection of your own relationship sabotage. For example, let’s take the reasons above:-
If it’s not broken why fix it? – Do you take your car for its annual service or do you wait until it breaks down and face a huge bill and a massive inconvenience? Do you look after your body and fitness/nutrition, or do you wait until you develop a life-limiting illness or disease and just think you can take medication? Of course not! You recognise the importance of looking after your health and your car, so why not your relationship? In fact, when things are going smoothly and don’t feel broken, it’s the perfect time to talk about issues or concerns because you are both in a calmer frame of mind.
We’re both just too tired/exhausted – Ask yourselves honestly, where do you find the energy to do everything else in your day? Do you say that you’re too tired to look after your children, or take the dog for its walk? Are you too tired to go to the gym? Are you too tired to see your friends and family, or watch TV?
There aren’t enough hours in the day – See above. Are you really saying that in all the hours that there are in the week, you can’t put even one of those aside for your partner each day?
My partner won’t listen/understand/want to – Is it possible you are assuming this? Or is this projection, and what you are really saying is that you don’t want to listen/don’t understand/don’t want to? And if your partner truly doesn’t want to make time for you, is this going to continue to be acceptable to you?
There’s nothing to talk about – this would only be true if you had literally done nothing with your day, and had no thoughts or feelings come up. You don’t have to spend all your time talking about problems. You can simply use the time to discuss new information about what’s going on in each-others’ worlds.
What excuses do you and your partner make to avoid prioritising and making time for each other?
These are the most common reasons that I hear from couples every day, packaged up into what seem like completely valid reasons and complex problems that seem unresolvable.
I’ve been there myself! I’ve had relationships where me and my partners at the time avoided really important issues, in one case for years, just because we didn’t know how we would resolve an issue if we did acknowledge it. The reality was the issue didn’t go away, and it took a course of couples therapy to enable us to finally address it.
What REALLY needs to happen is that you and your partner need to be honest with yourselves and each other about what’s really going on.
Is it fear? Fear can take many forms. It can mean fear of change, fear of negative emotions, fear of conflict. Lack of confidence that you can effectively and compassionately deal with problems.
Fear is a powerful emotion and we will do anything to avoid it.
And we often disguise this fear as a lack of motivation.
Because to admit to the fear is to confront it.
So we sabotage our relationships.
It’s far easier to tell ourselves that we don’t want or need something from our partner, rather than face the fear of what that might happen if we ask for it.
When we face fears, we need support from our partners. And when, as a couple, you face fears about the relationship, you sometimes need the support of a Relationship Coach. To identify your sabotages, where they come from, your fears. And to help you to overcome them.
You are determined, ambitious, intelligent individuals. You achieve things in life because you decide to. Why not your relationship goals?
So my question is, have you decided that your relationship is important to you? Because of both of you have decided that, you are 80% of the way there!
Just acknowledging your relationship sabotages, and recognising your fears, is a hugely important first step to resolving them.
I can help you with these, just as I have helped hundreds of couples over the years to reconnect and communicate in a loving and compassionate way, deepening their connection to themselves as individual, and each other, through reconnecting with Nature.
If you would like to have my guidance and support, I would love to give it!
Sign up for my Relationship Coaching Newsletter which is always packed full of helpful advice and tips for achieving harmonious relationships.
If you would like my help and guidance to communicate in your relationship in a positive way, click here to download my FREE Communication Guide for Couples. This guide has further tips for effective communication that you can use with your partner RIGHT NOW to enhance your relationship.
And remember to hit “subscribe” on my Facebook page so that you are notified of my daily Relationship Coaching Facebook Livestreams!
I can’t wait to hear from you!
P.S. Coming soon – If you would personally like my expert support to learn the EXACT techniques and steps to resolve conflict effectively without hurt, anger and frustration, you will soon be able to sign up for my Compassionate Conflict for Couples E-Course. It is going to be incredible value, and the first 10 people who sign up will receive a bonus 1:1 coaching call with me, absolutely FREE! These places will go fast and are strictly on a first-come, first-served basis.
If you would like any further information about this course or want to be notified as soon as it is released, or have anything else that you would like help with, I would be delighted to hear from you. Just PM me on Facebook or sign up for my Newsletter to be notified about this and other exciting news straight away.