“I had no idea you felt like that!”
“Really? You thought that??”
“Why didn’t you say so?”
These are all things that I often hear couples say to each other during my Relationship Coaching couples sessions. A common observation I make during these sessions is that at some point, one or both partners will be surprised by what the other says.
The problem is that when something’s bothering you, it can feel really hard to say that to your partner. So instead, you might play down your own feelings, even to yourself, to convince yourself that there is no problem.
You tell yourself that that thing that bothers you about their behaviour….
The thing they told you once……
The comment they once made…..
The niggling doubts or concerns you have….
Don’t bother you.
You tell yourself that there’s no point bringing it up.
You tell yourself that you can just put up with it.
That there’s no point saying it anyway, as nothing will change.
The result is that you can bottle your feelings up for days, weeks, months, even years in some cases! The problem is that if you keep pushing things down and denying your feelings, eventually they will bubble up to the surface when you least expect it, and it can have damaging consequences to your relationship.
So why do we do this?
The truth is, sometimes it just feels easier. To bring something up might feel so challenging, so anxiety-provoking, or so emotive, that it’s tempting to just carry on as you have been, keeping your feelings to yourself. Because to bring it up would be to cause an earthquake, a volcano, a devastating flood of emotion and trauma.
But what if you knew you could discuss your feelings with your partner in an open and honest way? That you could say how you felt, in a way that would have them listen to you, without it feeling like a catastrophic, natural disaster? And in a way that, rather than driving you further apart, could bring you even closer together?
The good news is, that absolutely is possible!
I’m not saying it’s easy. Far from it. It takes work, dedication and commitment.
But doesn’t anything that’s worth having?
Telling your partner how you REALLY feel can truly enhance your relationship, and is one of the first steps to creating the relationship you truly desire.
And you don’t have to do it alone. Having the guidance of a Relationship Coach like myself, who has helped to guide literally hundreds of couples through the darkest parts of their journey through the wilderness, can make a huge difference.
So, if you want to know more about the most effective way to be honest and authentic with your partner, so that you can really start claiming the relationship you want, why not allow me to help you?
Over the next week, I’ll be posting blogs and videos on this very subject. I’ ll be explaining WHY we bottle things up the way we do, and then giving you guidance on HOW to say what it is you want to say, so that you can avoid arguing.
For now, I want you to start by asking yourself the following questions:-
- Are you honest with your partner about how you feel?
- Do you share both your positive and negative feelings with them?
- Are there questions you always wanted to ask your partner, but were afraid to?
- Do you secretly resent something they do, but don’t tell them?
- Do you sometimes feel hurt by your partner, or angry with them, but don’t tell them?
- Are you worried about damaging the relationship, or hurting your partner, by telling them how you feel?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then reading the next blog posts this week could be invaluable to you.
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