Solitude or attachment?

Anyone who knows me will know that barn owls are one of my favourite animals. I’ve always held a fascination for them, since I was very small, when I would see them during my woodland walks.

Even now, when I see them at dusk, swooping down from the trees silently as if out of nowhere, flying along hedgerows like white ghosts, I still get a spine-tingling, electric sense of mystery and other-worldliness.

As I’ve only ever seen a barn owl on its own, I had always thought of them as solitary creatures, which for me, added somewhat to the enigma. I would wonder about their private lives, and whether anything ever got close enough to them to really get to know and understand them.

But recently I learned something surprising about barn owls.

Although they lead solitary lives as adults, once they find a mate, they mate for life. They are then very family-oriented, often seen cuddling their babies and their partners in their nests, and often mating for the purposes of expressing their affection for their mate, and not simply to breed.

Some people can appear to be solitary, being comfortable in their own company, at home in their solitude, not dependent on a partner to feel complete within themselves. But, far from meaning that these people are destined for a life of loneliness, it can actually mean the opposite.

If we can feel secure within ourselves, if we can be independent and self-sufficient, and not dependent on our partner for self-esteem, we have the best foundation from which to start a healthy, balanced relationship.

Secure relationships aren’t about relying on your partner for everything. Yes, you need to be able to depend on your partner, to trust them to be there for you when you need them to be, and to meet your emotional needs within the relationship. But it’s also really important that you and your partner don’t lose sight of yourselves as individuals within the relationship. That you can look after yourself and know that as individuals you can grow, without you or your partner feeling threatened by that.

It’s what us psychotherapists call a secure attachment.

To determine if you feel secure in your relationship, ask yourself the following questions:-

  • Do you often worry that your partner will stop loving you?
  • When your partner is away, do you worry that they might become interested in someone else?
  • Do you often worry about telling your partner how you really feel or expressing your wants and needs?
  • Do you worry that if your partner left you, you might never find someone else?
  • Do you struggle to rely on your partner?

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, it’s possible that you are feeling less than secure in your relationship. This can lead to problems withing the relationship; arguing, poor communication, mis-trust, resentment, anxiety. Relationship Coaching can help you to understand these concerns, and address any issues in your relationship that could be contributing to these feelings.

The result? A deeper, more intimate, secure connection with your partner.

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Deepening your connection with Nature 🙂

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