Somebody asked me recently – “What you do if your partner is avoiding spending time with you? How do you convince them to make time for the relationship?”
The first thing that is really important to understand is why they aren’t spending time with you in the first place.
You may discover, or suspect, that there something in particular that your partner is avoiding by not spending time with you. Ask yourself whether there are any unresolved issues in your relationship. Could it be that they are avoiding discussing an important issue? And if so, why do you think that could be? Perhaps they are fearful of bringing something up, particularly if you both have a history of not being able to resolve conflict without things escalating into an argument, with both of you feeling hurt and angry afterwards. Or perhaps they are worried about hurting your feelings by being honest with you about how they feel. Perhaps they are fearful about opening up and being vulnerable with you.
If this is the case, then it perhaps it highlights the fact that you both might need to work on your communication skills as a couple. This is important not only to help your partner to think about how to deliver their message in a kind and compassionate way, reducing the likelihood of you feeling attacked and becoming defensive, but it will help you to be able to listen to your partner more, and support them to communicate with you in an open way. The more confident you both feel around your communication, the less likely it will be that you avoid conflict, which is an inevitable part of Nature and therefore your relationship.
Perhaps it is that they genuinely don’t have a lot of time for you lately because they are busy with work/family commitments/important projects? Perhaps they are stressed about something and don’t really talk about it for fear of worrying you? Or perhaps they simply haven’t realised that you are feeling that they are not making enough time for you. In either case, it is important for you to share how you feel about this with your partner. And frame it in a positive way, rather than as a complaint. Explain to them how much you enjoy their company and how much you miss having quality time together. This will feel more motivating to them, as the focus is on what you would like, rather than what you don’t like. And if they have genuine reasons for not having a lot of available time to spend with you, try to listen to them and understand things from their perspective, and try to come up with a solution together to spend what time you can with each other, that works for both of you.
It is really important to understand that spending time together does not mean that you have to be spending it talking about issues or problems in the relationship. Spending quality time together when everything is going well is equally important, as it can bring you closer and enable you to enjoy each other’s company.
So, if you are struggling with encouraging your partner to make time for you and the relationship, or you feel that they are avoiding talking about important issues, try the following:-
- Make sure you ask your partner what is going on for them – never assume what they are thinking or feeling, and that includes assuming that they ARE avoiding something. If we are worried about something we often assume the worst and we are often wrong, causing ourselves a lot of unnecessary worry!
- Rather than being upset with your partner, be curious about them. Ask them questions and try to understand what’s going on for them.
- Consider whether improving your own communication skills might encourage your partner to talk and open up to you more.
- Frame it positively – explain to your partner how much you enjoy their company and how important it is to you that you make time to talk about important issues as it will bring you closer.
- Think of ways that you and your partner can spend time together connecting which can be fun – going for a walk in Nature, watching a film together and cuddling up on the sofa, taking part in a sporting activity together. Getting out in Nature is an excellent way to dis-spell tension and re-energise! You might want to try my Four Seasons Relationship Course. Completely FREE to download, it is a four week program designed to help couples to reconnect using the principles of Nature to guide you. It is a really fun and gentle way if we connecting with your partner and creating a relationship vision together, focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship in the process.
- Download my Free Communication Guide for Couples which will guide you through the key principles and skills needed for active communication. This will give you the basic outline of how to structure a conversation with an issue that needs discussion, in a way that will be more constructive and respectful of each other.
I would love to hear your feedback on this and of course, if you would like my help and guidance just contact the three Facebook messenger with any questions you have I would love to hear from you, or comment below.
And always remember, maintain and tend to your relationship as you would a beautiful garden, and watch it thrive!
P.S. Coming soon – If you would personally like my expert support to learn the EXACT techniques and steps to resolve conflict effectively without hurt, anger and frustration, you will soon be able to sign up for my Compassionate Conflict for Couples E-Course. It is going to be incredible value, and the first 10 people who sign up will receive a bonus 1:1 coaching call with me, absolutely FREE! These places will go fast and are strictly on a first-come, first-served basis.
If you would like any further information about this course or want to be notified as soon as it is released, or have anything else that you would like help with, I would be delighted to hear from you. Just PM me on Facebook or sign up for my Newsletter to be notified about this and other exciting news straight away.