What’s the REAL problem?

Often, what you think is the problem in your relationship, is not the problem at all.

I regularly find that when couples who come to see me with a specific issue, the real, underlying issue turns out to be something else altogether.

Let me give you an example.

Jane* and John* have been arguing a lot for the past year and are struggling to communicate without things escalating.

Jane* thinks that it is because John* doesn’t help her enough around the house.  He leaves a mess everywhere he goes and when Jane asks him to tidy up after himself she feels he ignores her.

John* complains that he feels constantly “nagged” by Jane, and that she is picking on minor issues, just to cause an argument.

Relationship Coaching helps them to communicate their feelings in a new way, enabling them to realise that what’s really going on is that Jane feels uncared for when John ignores her requests, and John feels criticised and unappreciated for everything else that he contributes to the relationship. Jane feels that her need for attention from John is therefore not being met, and John feels that his need for respect from Jane is not being met.

So next time you feel like screaming with frustration because the dishwasher hasn’t been emptied for what feels like the 100th time despite your requests, ask yourself what feels worse – is it the inconvenience, or is it the fact that you don’t feel listened to by your partner?

What is more important is the meaning of the conflict, rather than the details.

In Nature, the symptom points to something underlying being out of balance.

Once you can recognise the conflict as a symptom, and not necessarily the problem itself, the real work can begin.

Sign up for my Newsletter here.

*Case studies are fictitious and for illustrative purposes only.

About the Author:

Leave A Comment